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Sometimes I wonder how I have been entrusted with the duty of raising another human.

Truly.

There are days when I feel as if I need an adult to tell me how to navigate life, then I remember I AM THE ADULT! How did that happen? I am not 100% sure, but here we are and I am doing the damn thing. As with most things in life, there is no amount of preparation that can ready you when it comes to being a mother. One thing I learned (probably the most important thing I’ve learned) is that your child will tell you who they are and it is your responsibility to accept them as is while expanding yourself. Yes, I need to teach my child how to properly clean himself as well as his environment, what to feed himself to maintain good health, honorable morals, and how to navigate life in general without being ignorant or a shitty human being. I also need to remain teachable so that I can learn who he is as a person in order for me to teach him in a way he will understand; if I approach parenting by meeting my child where he is at then I can encourage his growth as a person while maintaining his trust that I am here to help him, not boss him around. Parenting in this way is easier said than done, which is where the expanding yourself aspect comes into play.

Patience was a foreign concept to me until I became a mother, but it was a trait I needed to learn (quickly) because my child NEEDED me to possess such a trait in order to show up for him in a genuine and guiding way. I realized quickly that who I was as a person would lay the groundwork for who he would become as a person and I genuinely wanted better for him than what I experienced. That required me to humble myself and shift my perspective into understanding that I would be learning just as much from him as he would from me. This type of parenting has taken a lot of practice, I have had a lot of my own trauma to unpack along the way and needed to be careful not to project that onto my child. Challenges have arisen and we have navigated them to the best of our ability TOGETHER through extensive conversation rather than the quick jump to punishment. To be completely honest, the extensive conversations can be exhausting at times but my child is worth the effort every single time because I would rather him know he can talk through anything with me without fear of judgement or punishment.

I will never claim to be the perfect parent, but I am quite proud of how I have grown to the parent my son needs. As the years have gone on he has inspired my sobriety, my quitting smoking, bettering myself at managing finances, learning how to stand solid on my own two feet as a single mother, learning how to forgive myself when I trip up, setting high standards for myself, as well as loving myself in every way I deserve to be loved. The more I listened to him speak, watched his creativity flow, and made space for him to discover his passion for life the more I realized he deserved the absolute best of me. I was unsure what that looked like at first, but knew it included getting rid of vices that I had been using to ease unspoken pain and facing my own demons.

My vices and demons had become my oldest friends and relinquishing them was terrifying in it’s own way because I had grown used to them, in a weird way finding comfort in their consistency within my life. Alas, I decided that my son’s future was more important than my comfort. It was far from easy detaching from these familiarities, each day felt like an uphill battle that I was unsure if I was going to win. In each moment of doubt my son would bobble in out of nowhere with a random thought, a silly face, a clever question, or the need for a hug. He was constantly running to me during moments of weakness and unknowingly reminding me why I chose the uphill battle in the first place.

His existence taught me the value of life, a series of lessons I will forever cherish.

Each year I remind him why his birthday is my favorite day of the year, it is the day my superhero made his grand entrance into this existence! It was a bit of a dramatic entrance, but he loves to keep me on my toes like that. I find it difficult not to cry with each passing year because time moves too quickly as a mother and there are moments that I wish I could slow down to cherish just a bit longer. Life pushes onward though, constantly reminding me the importance in soaking up the present and learning as much as I can from my boy here and now.

Being a parent is a gift that many take way too lightly, in my opinion. We are granted the opportunity to shape the future as it grows in human form and what we do with that opportunity will go on to impact the world that is to come. That in itself is privilege.

All of this to dedicate this post to my amazing, curious, wonderful child who is my constant inspiration and greatest teacher this life has ever gifted me. The second half of this year was hard to navigate, but he was my guiding light through the moments of uncertainty. His grace in forgiving me when I wasn’t my best and constant faith in me have changed me for the better.

Cheers to him and whatever the future holds for the both of us!