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Lately I have been bothered with this pestering feeling of being stuck in a rut without knowing if I am actually stuck or not. Maybe it’s not even a rut, but a standstill. It is this feeling of knowing I should be going somewhere or doing something, but I am unsure of what the somewhere or something is. Does that make sense??

My life has changed dramatically since August (there are prior posts documenting said changes if you are unfamiliar, yet curious) and I find myself perturbed by the fact that I feel as if something wildly different should be happening in my life that what is actually going on in my life. Much of my week is spent at a job I loathe but tolerate because I haven’t received call backs from any other place I have applied. The other part of my week is spent at home with my son- sometimes he wants to hang with Mom, although we have reached an age where he wants more independent time to explore his own hobbies or hangout with friends. I love this for him because I find it to be an integral part of growing up… at the same time it also brings to light the harsh reality that my social circle is non-existent and I struggle to delve into hobbies. I would watch television, but knowing that it is a black mirror that wants me to think a certain way while absorbing my energy makes me refrain from having it on too much. I have also been trying to stay off my phone because doom scrolling is a very slippery slope- one minute you’re casually scrolling, the next you realize it’s been three hours and haven’t made dinner.

Writing has been a source of comfort during this period, although it does feel like I am talking to a wall some times. It shouldn’t matter, but I am a middle child and we are guilty of wanting our thoughts to be heard. I tried creating a schedule of what kind of content to post on certain days to create consistency, but ultimately that deterred me from posting because I got bored with the repetition. It didn’t feel authentic and that has always been my biggest goal with my blog… authenticity! I am so bored of social media and many blogs I come across because they all feel so curated as opposed to real and relatable. I miss when these platforms were slightly messy because at least what I was seeing was created from an actual person and not someone striving for influencer status.

Maybe that’s my problem- I’ve been trying to get back into my feel good hobbies, such as writing, from a present day approach when I just need to let it be messy. My life has changed and I need to embrace the stumbling, messy part of figuring out this new position I occupy in life. There is no going back to the circles I once ran in. There is no perfectly curated solution to making this rutty feeling go away. There isn’t much I can do about my job situation except have faith that one of my preferred jobs will call me back soon. There isn’t a way to make any of you care about the words I write.

At this point, I am pretty sure all I can do is keep moving forward despite the icky feeling. Inspiration or something of the sort is bound to pop up eventually, it always does!