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I was finally able to secure a new job.

I have mixed emotions about it. Maybe not about the job itself- more so, about the transition into this new state of existence and the realization that this is where the leap of faith took me. The decision to take the leap in itself was easy, the aftermath feelings… not so much.

Faith is such a weird thing. I know that I am where I am supposed to be; the job itself is daytime hours, I am off at a VERY reasonable time to pick up my son after school each day, the job itself is relatively easy compared to majority of the positions I have worked over the years, and the business is a locally owned spot with incredibly supportive owners who genuinely care about the people who work with them. It is a pretty big score in terms of employment. I wish it paid more, but I suppose that’s the hitch to this new chapter… I am supposed to start securing my own financial success.

An overwhelming task in itself, but throw in the wellbeing of my child and the bills I am behind on into the mix and I am constantly dodging panic.

All the tarot shuffles said my abundance was on the other side of the decision to leave my last job. My delusional ass was banking on a lost inheritance or an envelope filled with cash to drop into my lap. Neither of those things happened. Rather I sold majority of my cannabis utilities, got yelled at and belittled by online shoppers for the very reasonable prices I set, sold my clothes and favorite purses, and went hungry for several days to ensure the food I had lasted long enough to feed my sweet boy for school lunches and dinner. I have been on and off the phone with bill collectors trying to defer payments so my credit doesn’t tank; every step has felt gross and annoying as fuck because I feel like I am constantly trying to find a source of money to tap into to keep us afloat. Meanwhile, I have people in my life who would never understand this kind of struggle and sending me positive thoughts makes me want to punch holes in the wall. Sending money would be more helpful, but I was not raised to ask for handouts- mainly because my mother taught me I didn’t deserve them because she never got them (which isn’t exactly true, but who am I to correct her recollection of what life was like).

Fighting my mental chains while trying to secure enough money to keep us going and catch the bills up so my car stays in my possession has been quite the battle. Now I sit in a new chapter of life where I can make magic happen and I am overwhelmed on where to start or how to make it happen. I know starting is the key here, but how do I start when I feel uninspired to write or struggle to focus on reading the pile of books I checked out from the library? All I want is to know that my son and I are secure in this life and taking it a day at a time kind of sucks. No one says that out loud, but here I am to tell you because it is fucking true. The angel numbers and signs are constantly saying to create a strong foundation, but I can only do that one day at a time- go ahead and guess how much I love that.

Spoiler! I don’t love that.

I grew up in a lack state. The only time I knew I was absolutely going to be fed and fulfilled was when I lived with my grandparents, then they both died within about 60 days of each other and the world has been the most terrifying place to exist in ever since. I haven’t been able to find anywhere I feel safe or secure and I get that I have to create that for myself, it is just also really fucking hard to do when you don’t feel like you have anyone in your corner that genuinely loves you and is cheering you on or there for the fall out.

I know that this chapter is about creating my own stability and foundation. I also know that I am struggling with getting started because I feel I have a lack of support or anyone who gives a fuck. Every thing that happens is up to me and it is a very overwhelming feeling, I hate admitting that I envy the people around me who have seemed to dodge this type of struggle in life, but it is what it is I suppose. I will find a way because I always do and when I get to where I am meant to rest I will be able to say I did it MYSELF. The only person that will be able to cite credit for getting me to that place will be me- that in itself is rather motivating.

I should probably end this with some positive things that happened during the transitional time into the new chapter, that way it doesn’t seem like a long ass bitch fest…

I quit smoking weed and nicotine. So now I can actually remember my dreams- which is cool because the inner workings of my mind are wild as fuck.

I unsubscribed from all but 1 of the services I once wasted too much money on.

I cleared out a bunch of stuff that I liked, but those things were ultimately just taking up space.

I started figuring out the criteria as well as ebbs and flows of what the local resale shops are prone to buying.

I deleted several social media platforms and found non-Meta and Oracle platforms to start utilizing because fuck their control over the population. Facebook, Instagram, TikTok… they can all fuck off. I found better platforms and even if I don’t have any followers, yet, it is actually fun to post again.

I found a ton of new to me indie artists and have been enjoying their musical offerings rather than the music industry controlled bullshit force fed to us.

So yeah… there has been some good that came with the discomfort of change and moving into a new chapter of my life. It has been a lot to go through alone, but thank goodness I am me. Being a middle child and only girl seems to have built me for times such as these.