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I keep having these weird out of body, maybe self-awareness, moments the last few days- kind of like I am simultaneously living the life I am familiar with while also observing me living. That may not make a whole lot sense to some people, but that is the best I have in terms of explaining the feeling.

It happened after I sent the message that I could no longer be on the team, that whatever energy I have at this time needs to be focused on what I can do for my son and I. After hitting the blue arrow to send the message it was as if I stepped out of myself to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing, to not be afraid because we have taken leaps of faith before, to not forget that betting on myself is the safest bet in known existence. Showing up for myself in that way encouraged me to get back to the park and put my feet in the grass; all of my best thinking comes when my bare feet are in the grass.

That first day on my own I found myself doing everything that comforted my soul or eradicated feelings and thoughts that did not serve my overall well being. I went to sauna for red light therapy, I went to the park to ground myself, I put away my tech and read a whole book (had been a significant amount of time since that has happened), wrote blog posts, created and scheduled content. I did so many things that made me feel connected to myself, I did it for myself, and I gave myself permission to take the time I had to just be Amanda.

It is only in this moment that I realize that the only people who ever gave me FULL permission to always be myself were my grandmothers- both reassuring me I was meant to be a fierce force of nature. It has also been a long time since I have had either of them to run to when life feels heavier than imaginable. I suppose in a lot ways giving myself that permission feels like honoring two incredible women who shaped not only my existence, but how I view myself. It’s their voices I search for in my head when I am overwhelmed, at least it was. In recent years I recognize it as my own voice, just a variance of ages- one from when I was about 8 years old, another at 16, one at 22, and one at 26. Each voice familiar with the journey we’ve ventured as well as what we left behind. We all feel the weight of the next choice to be made, step to be taken, breath to be breathed. Each voice, each version, within me understands and at this time the one thing they all agree on is that they want to create while we can because it brings us closer to each other while making existence more fun.

It is also kind of wild reflecting on my life and what I just wrote- like, DAMN, I really was out here for over a decade just wanting permission to be my full authentic self. I low key feel kind of bad for people who wanted to keep me small; it could have been projection, maybe jealousy, but whatever the reason was I still figured out how to give myself permission to just be unapologetically me and that will probably sting when they realize I’m good without their opinion or permission.

Now please understand, I was not out here outwardly asking for people’s permission. It was subconscious. I was raised to hold everyone else’s feeling before my own, specifically the woman who brought me into this world. The conditioning that occurs subconsciously when raised in an emotionally immature family seeps into every move you make- you just don’t see it and when you do you hide from it because you’re taught to put your feelings away until later because the adults need someone to listen to them complain about how hard their lives are. I don’t remember when permission became so important to me to the point that I internalized in such a way that it became a character trait. I do remember when I realized I was utterly and completely exhausted from being the bearer of other people’s burdens or the escape goat to hyperfixate on when others didn’t want their flaws or shortcomings or mistakes showcased. I remember being so frustrated and pissed that I was crying hot tears in my car after work. I remember thinking fuck everyone. I remember giving myself the space to scream and sob over the weights I had willingly carried because no one taught me how to stand up for myself in that way. That’s when I knew the behavior had to change to prevent my son from ever being in the same position. The thought of him screaming and sobbing in a car to release all the inherited emotional weight broke me to pieces- as his mother I just cannot allow anything of the sorts to happen to him. I always want him to know how to stand confidently and unapologetically for himself.

Back to the point I was leading with… this transitional time has been similar but different, like retesting to see what choices will I make now that I know better than to trust what I see in front of me. Almost as if The Universe is looking to see if that faith in myself is actually set and in place for what comes next. I am choosing not to panic about the bills or where the money will come from. I am choosing to enjoy the time I have to create while still moving towards my goals. I am actually making goals for myself that align with who I am. I am learning it is okay to let the world see me exactly as I am.

Last time I took this test with The Universe I 1000% had a nervous break down, was absolutely terrified, checking Indeed every 20 minutes for an update on the resume I had just sent in 30 minutes ago. I took the leap of faith, I just didn’t have faith in myself yet. That faith was in something bigger than me saving me from where I was; now that faith is wholly in MYSELF! Not in a conceited way though. Yes, I have survived and seen the other side of many obstacles that people are shocked didn’t kill me or strip me of my joy. In many peoples’ eyes I shouldn’t even be as positive as I am by the amount of divine pressure I have come from, but I am. I learned along the way that when I am unsure about anything I can always rely on myself to crack a little jokey joke that would inevitably make me giggle (yes, I laugh at all of my own jokes and silly thoughts). Joy, positivity, silly quips and jokes helped anchor me during every trial… as well as the unshakable thought that the writer’s of my life story really fucking love a plot twist because how the fuck did I end up in some of these situations! I always viewed my life as this insane story that I accidentally fell into and to fight my way out of because if I had it my way I would have been living this life in a country side castle surrounded by various types of flowers and trees with gardens that go on for miles on my 100 acre property.

Nowadays I can see that the beginning of my life story was this epic foundation to build my own story off of (kind of like an overly dramatic prequel). The toxic traits I inherited, the circumstances of my upbringing, the environment and people it housed were never meant to stay with me, they were meant to teach me and help me expand so that I can become the woman I have always been destined to be. I have an incredible amount of empathy, understanding, and care because of how I was raised. Then I taught myself how to enforce healthy boundaries, face demons no one else could bear to look at, and how to find strength, peace, and wholeness in just being me.

That’s why this force of nature change feels different. Rather than fearing any aspect of the transition I am choosing to lean in. I have come back to making myself playlists that make me want to dance, read books that itch my curiosity, take in every iota of stillness while I can because something big feels like it is on it’s way to me.

Plus, my inner teenager is LOVING all the outfits we’ve been wearing and music we’ve been blasting! I can tell she feels like the cool girl in all those rom-coms we watched during those years. I have zero desire to date anyone or do anything that doesn’t align with how I am feeling. Maybe this is me taking back agency? I’m not sure, I’ll have to sit with that thought for a minute and save it for another post. Either way… she is LIVING for this time and I’m not overly rushing to take it from her. She wants to write, listen to her favorite songs, look at the water, drink her coffee, and just find inspiration. She’s pretty iconic in that way, just never got enough credit from the people around her at the time. So who am I to take that from her?!

Things always have a funny way of working themselves out, might as well give her what she needs. Might as well give myself what I need.