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Last December I found a DVD copy of Dogma and immediately went to the nearest Best Buy to purchase a DVD player. I had been toying around with the idea of purchasing one for awhile, but never followed through on it until I tripped across Dogma (a film I had been trying to find a copy of for YEARS). I had held onto a couple vintage suitcases worth of DVDs from my younger years, but decided to start cancelling my streaming services and invest in physical media again.

I had found several classic films at the local thrift stores- Uptown Girls, She’s the Man, Hook, Space Jam (’96), Jumanji, The Craft, just to name a few.

Treasure hunting for films has also become a source of inspiration for me. In my thirties I am much more conscious of how I spend my money and what I spend my money on. There have been several movies I have come across and considered purchasing, but decided not to because nostalgia just for nostalgia sake wasn’t something I was willing to pay my earned money on. Rather, I have opted to purchase films that bring me perspective, critical thinking analysis, joy, and inspiration.

I was ELATED to find a stunning, almost new condition, copy of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland! I had loved the story growing up and was surprised by how much the Tim Burton version resonated with me, at the age of 20, when the film debuted. I had read how the film would honor the original while taking place 13 years later. Initially I was unsure how I felt about that- I am an avid book over film kind of gal (if you are going to make a film based on a book… honor the book!!).

I went into the viewing open minded and was left awestruck by the end. Burton’s goth whimsical aesthetic for the film was EVERYTHING to me (and still is); in retrospect I believe what made me fall in love with this particular aesthetic was that Burton was able to create such masterful, well crafted, beauty in the darkness of the loss of self.

The argument over whether she is the right or wrong Alice hit me deep in 2010, it was a crisis of self I was all too familiar with. Alice’s insecurity reminded me of my own; I too felt like I was being shoved into boxes that were not meant for me while questioning why I had to fit into a box at all. I couldn’t seem to find my place in life, wandering around in hopes of finding a place I would fit. I stumbled, I fell on my face, made horrible decisions, and felt as if I had gone round the bend.

Fifteen years later I happened across a physical copy of the film while wandering a local movie and music resale shop. It had been the first time I watched the film in a few years, but in an odd way felt like viewing it for the first time with a different set of eyes. As the movie began I felt a type of care for Alice’s position, almost as if looking back at myself at the age of 20. I watched as her story unfolded, wholeheartedly convinced she knows exactly what is going on despite not yet finding herself. I was expecting her journey in finding herself to be the aspect of the story I fixated on the most, however it was her trying to convince herself it was only a dream that caught my attention this go around.

Alice reiterates throughout the film that it is her dream and she knows she will be fine as soon as she wakes up, that what she is experiencing is nothing more than an imaginative dream. This reiteration felt as if a mirror had been held up to my current position in life.

I live within the knowing that my exterior reality is a product of my inner reality– meaning, my belief is what makes something physically real or not in my life.

From once identifying with Alice’s confusion, I find myself now aligning with her faith in herself regardless of the depth in which she knew herself in the given moment. Not once did Alice ever doubt who she was to herself; she doubted who she was to the standards of those around her. Hatter was right in regard to Alice losing her muchness (symbolic to the dimming of one’s self), but it was his belief in her that helped fan the flame of Alice deterring from the plans made for her that led Alice to finding out what she was truly capable of becoming if she chose to be so.

That hits obnoxiously hard and deep to my current standing in life. I am aware of who I am to myself- it’s what everyone else expects of me that muddies my vision. Despite the times of blurred vision and understanding, my faith in figuring life out as I go and knowing I will be perfectly okay stands firm. There is an abundance of frustration and confusion that happens as you shed unnecessary layers while journeying towards regaining your power. It can all feel overwhelming and exhausting, yet magical and beautiful all at the same time. I no longer fear life’s storms because I love the way the rain glistens when lightening illuminates the sky. However, I do still feel the heaviness of the storms down to my bones. It doesn’t mean I won’t rise to the occasion, it simply means I will rise however I see fit.

I love that all these years later I feel just as inspired by Alice as I was the first time I was introduced to her story. I love the depth and complexities Tim Burton wove into his rendition of the story. I love that this post made me realize I need to spend more time with my inner teenager, as she was the foundation of who I was when I first saw the film. Although, arguably, buying a DVD player and selectively re-stocking the film archive does pay homage to my inner teenager. She was a movie and music junkie with big dreams of having her own website that she could make completely her own, filling it with all of her favorite things in the unbelievable life she lives.

I suppose I’m going the right way, maybe with a detour or two for an adventure and a party.