129A

With everything in me, I love this sign!

It fully embodies how I have felt about myself since May 2024. Leading up to my annual summer vacation time with my son I had this uncomfortable feeling within me and I realized I was absolutely tapped of my energy. Not in an “I’m tired” way, but actual barren of all energy to even get myself back up. The day before our vacation time started I decided to go to my favorite park that summer and sit by the creek. I laid on my beach towel atop a flat lay of rocks, slipped off my Birkenstocks and socks (yes, I am THAT kind of person), placed my sunglasses over my closed eyes, slid my Airpods into my ears, and put my feet in the water. Within minutes I began crying. It was exactly what I needed in order to replenish my energy; I put my bare feet to the earth and recharged. I left the park that day slightly sleepy from all of the crying, but mostly determined to never let myself become that depleted again.

I have carried that feeling with me, not as a scar but as a core memory centered in choosing myself over my people pleasing tendencies. I created my first firm boundary for myself that I was intent on ensuring was respected.

I would not describe the implementation of the boundary easy, rather I would say it has been enlightening.

You see… I am the type of person that will emotionally close off when I feel I have been hurt deeply by someone I care about and that care will become past tense quicker than Sonic the Hedgehog dashing to a chili dog after a round with Robotnik. Upon having the realization that my people pleasing was not just a tendency but a trauma response I became overwhelmed with confusion- another feeling that causes me to emotionally detach. I quickly narrowed down my list to three or four people I could absolutely crash out in front of with zero judgement bestowed, called back my power and energy, and prepared myself to return to a very people facing job after vacation time ended. Initially, there was a lot of push back over me not being so open with myself. Everyone I dealt with on a day to day basis had something to say about my new boundary, except my son who seemed to be loving it. I ended up losing a lot of people between May 2024 and January 2025 because I had to hold the line on that boundary. Some of the people I had to let go were tough to silently disengage from, others I gladly blocked and moved on without a second thought, either way I learned a lot about my self-worth.

Establishing the boundary is the easy part. Reinforcing the boundary is where it gets hard. Standing up for your peace even when it doesn’t align with those closest to you is what makes it intimidating. Trusting yourself despite all the bullshit that occurs is what makes it worth it.

Each time I see a sign that reads, “Restricted access! Employees and authorized personnel only” I am reminded of the choice I made to protect my energy and encouraged to keep holding my boundaries even if it means losing people. They very sneakily train women to be people pleasers, and it certainly doesn’t help if you were raised in a toxic household where children had to hold their parents’ emotional woes. It is quite liberating to defy the system though. That absolutely fuels my Aquarian tendencies in revolting against a system that can’t handle the glory of my AuADHD, which fuels my passion for protecting my energy at all costs.

**Low key… I am suddenly having the realization how cyclical everything in life truly is after reading this post back. So it’s definitely, probably, best to end it here! Just know that I am laughing immensely at myself (with delight) over this revelations I have while trying to tap back in with my inner child via writing.