129A

I used to roll my eyes when The Tower would come up in a read on me. I am grown enough to admit that it was a masking of fear, avoidance, and an overall disdain for change. By the time I started engaging with tarot and learning it’s very rich history, I was old enough to realize that I was brought up in a toxic environment masquerading as unconditional tough love. I was very much so aware that in order to prevent my son from encountering the same toxic traits I had inherited that I would have to confront them… hence why The Tower started showing up in my readings.

It was an overarching reminder that I had work to do in the realm of facing said traits and healing so that I could continue onward and upward on my journey.

Part of me always knew it was in my best interest when I saw the card appear, still doesn’t make it easy to confront the unbecoming parts of yourself or transition out of a toxic cycle. So my eyes would roll at every moment The Tower made herself known because I was dragging my feet into a lesson/test that I was avoiding even though I knew I was completely capable of passing it… as long as I could gain control of the narrative in my psyche.

Getting a hold of that narrative is no easy task, especially when it’s voice is ever changing and mimicking the voices of those who scarred you without you even realizing the crimes committed against your existence. I suppose what finally forced a breakthrough for me was finally letting that narrative get all it’s angsty shit off her chest. There were times when she would take it to the edge and then some, while I had to simultaneously reason with the narrative as the someone I wish I had when all of the negative coding first occurred. To be honest, it made me feel slightly crazy to have two different perspectives interacting with one another in my mind… to the point where I had to take a pause to question if I was losing my marbles. Ultimately, I always decided even if I was a little crazy for having all this happen in my mind at least I would find a bit of peace in finally letting myself think and feel all of the narratives pushed on me during the come up.

I realized the things about myself that confused me weren’t even originally by my own doing- how I lived up to those projections was absolutely on me, but the original sin wasn’t. I had already learned how to forgive myself for my mistakes, but letting go of those narratives felt nearly impossible because I had heard them for so long. The Tower slowly (and as smoothly as she could) broke down the layers holding me back to clear space. I came to realize that while dismembering these toxic traits I was also learning how to let go of what wasn’t meant for me. This includes people, places, and things that had attachments to versions of me that I outgrew.

I am a little ashamed of how long it took me to appreciate The Tower. Change has never been easy for me and in many ways I feel as if the first half of my life was just a consistent push of changes that made me feel like I was drowning. We rarely had consistency growing up and when my grandmother passed I absolutely lost myself because she was the only consistent safe place I knew. My perspective of change had grown to become rooted in bitterness and anger, as if I was being robbed of what I wanted. This made it a bit more difficult to get past certain divine lessons I needed to be taught because ultimately I was getting in my own way by holding such perspective. It wasn’t until the fall of 2024 that I decided to try braving the whole nine yards of change- emotional roller coaster and all. It felt weird and uncomfortable at first, but after I got past all the unnerving stages I was proud of myself. I felt lighter, happier, more confident, and a bit more badass.

All of this to say, The Tower has re-emerged. I had a feeling a month or so ago that I would see her again soon. I was coming up on a ten month anniversary of sorts and that particular time frame, ten months, resonated with me as I reflected on the months leading up to the thought. Then it was as if bells rang and the light turned on… it was about time for a divine testing. I didn’t go looking for her, but she found me and to my surprise, The Tower was in reverse. While there are many ways to interpret The Tower reversed, generally it means there is something needing confronting. I immediately knew what it was referring to and I absolutely hated what was on the precipice of happening, but this time I knew I was going to let what was meant to happen come gracefully for me. I had a feeling something major was about to change in my life, I was just really hoping it wasn’t going to be THIS particular thing.

As much as I hate that I have to let go, I choose to do so with a grateful heart because I only want to have good feelings about what I am going to have to leave behind. Transition can cause a whole lot of dissonance within the frequency of the body, it can be uncomfortable, it can be hard to say goodbye to a certain time of your life, it can be a lot. I am grateful it is becoming easier though. I have become quicker to allow the negative aspects process with healthy grounding techniques and habits to help me find peace while space clears. I am also learning that leaning into childhood wonder helps me find joy and purpose through the process. For example, I don’t really have the energy to vocalize all my thoughts and feelings to my friends while I move through this transformative time but I do have the energy to pick up my laptop and fixate on a feeling or thought to write about as I did when I was a little girl. In doing so I am showing honor to that little version of me who always ran to her journal so she could fall into her own world where she was strong enough to save herself. She knew endings could be just as exquisitely beautiful and exciting as beginnings.

The Tower now has a permanent place of love and adoration in my existence because what she removes is replenished far beyond my expectations, every time. If she feels I need THIS particular something removed from my life then something even bigger must be right around the corner and I feel the endless need to show gratitude for every version of myself that has gotten me to my next big chapter in life.