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Things are shifting, dramatically… again.

I suppose at one point in my life my flabbers would have been absolutely gasted. This time I had a feeling- that’s how it usually goes for me though. I get this odd little feeling in my body, out of nowhere I realize I am smack dab in the middle of a retrograde (or three or four), and that all the transitional signs are making themselves known (dragonflies, 999, specific songs, the tower card).

The drama of it all can be exhausting. For years I have felt haunted by the label of “dramatic” or “drama queen.” I have my mother’s projection to thank for that, but it has always left me slightly bamboozled in regard to who I am as a person. You see, when you grow up being your mother’s projection board your identity gets a bit lost in the mix. While, yes, I am an avid lover of a great and fantastically orchestrated plot twist, it is one thing to view the plot twist and another to live it. My mother always swore I provoked the dramatic things that happened in my life… and she was only right about that for like 3 years of my entire existence.

That’s right, you heard me. I said she was right. I am aware enough to reflect on my choices and actions- thus leading me to admit that from the ages of 19-23 she was right about my self inflicted problems. I had some very real demons I did not intend on fighting, rather I let them clock in for awhile. By the spring of my 24th year I finally started wising up, but more so in the form of being sober due to pregnancy, having no actual friends, and having to sit in complete sobriety reflecting on everything that went down prior. It was the harshest of realities and I had no one to talk to about it. I dealt with that inner turmoil in silence while terrified of ruining the child I was growing. I will never forget how shitty it felt thinking that my mother was right about me and there would be a smirk on her face because she always had a smirk on her face when she was right about anything.

I remember knowing in May 2014 that my life was about to take on a hard plot twist and I had zero vices to get me through it. That was my first moment of awareness on the path I walk today. Which has been chaotic as fuck, to say the least. For so many years I have loathed the over the top, dramatics of my own life- I have side stepped questions about my life simply because the depth and complexities of each major story that built me are so wildly absurd that they are simply unbelievable and I never have the energy to defend my own life story.

Why would I when I need that energy to write my life story?

That was definitely an intrusive thought that Freudian slipped it’s way through my fingers. That’s not where I was going with this post (not that there was a particular aim other than transitions and transformations are hard as fuck, but so worth it) but now that I am here… damn, that’s so fucking true!! Now, I have spent all of my adult life thinking I don’t have the energy to defend my life story simply because I am tired of defending myself- but now a better point has been made. By myself. Thank you self! I literally have things to do, a whole freaking story to write.

Thinking about all the energy I have wasted defending myself or my story to people who have already chosen what version of me they wanted to be real is equal parts heartbreaking and empowering while reassuring me that the boundaries I have are there for a reason. My energy isn’t up for negotiation, it is my most valuable resource and holding that perspective reinforces my self worth- something I expect others to respect if they want to have a place in my life. To be woven into such a dramatic, plot twist saturated, jaw dropping, awe inspiring story is a gift and an honor. I am an Aquarius. It is quite easy for me to erase you from my life story, if I so choose to. There are, at minimum, 100 people I have forgotten about because they added zero value while taking up majority of my energy and my life story flows smoother without their presence. To make it all the way to the end of the story with me is real gift because I would have provided a glorious amount of laughable moments and intrusive thoughts, fun critical thinking questions, serendipities no one (even myself) would have expected, an all in one security system (thank you middle childness), fierce loyalty, and great food. I am quite literally the whole package now that I am thinking about it. I am living a life story that not even Hollywood could orchestrate, only divinity because how I am still alive still shocks me at times but I am eternally grateful to still be alive.

Hmmm… guess the universe knew what it was doing with this post because I was going to talk about transitioning into a new season but I suppose I needed to take a moment to be proud of my over the top life because it is shaping up to be a stellar story to look back on. I don’t have the energy to defend my story because I am still writing it while also being in awe of it.