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I have been in the weirdest energetic funk these past two weeks!

I say that as if this has never happened to me before, when in fact I know exactly what this feeling signifies. Something BIG is about to happen. I am not 100% sure on what it is exactly, but I can feel it in these funks. In addition to this, a budtender at one of the dispensaries I popped up at yesterday told me Mercury is in retrograde again… so there’s that.

Just because I am completely aware of what these feelings are guiding me towards, the struggle part is hard as fuck! I miss my big bursts of energy as soon as I wake up, I miss the pep in my step to flutter off and film content, I miss the ease of feeling up. These periods of energetic realignment trigger my control issues. I realization I am having as I type this post out.

You see… I didn’t realize I still had control problems until about a month or so ago. Not that it is anywhere as bad as it used to be, but the problem is clearly still lingering. I like knowing what is going to happen next so that I feel prepared, but that is just not the reality of this life. It’s an odd notion to dwell on, truly, because I feel most readied for a challenge when I know what to expect but that works adversely with free flowing and co-creating with the universe. To do such things requires a flexibility that I have been striving to re-instill in myself; muscles tense up, so does faith in yourself. Putting in hours upon hours of work to prepare myself for what I know is coming reaffirms my confidence, while doing the same for the unknown raises my cortisol levels and yet we never talk about how preparing for the unknown is symbolic of having faith in your own capabilities to adapt to whatever is thrown your way. We all know it, we just choose to forget that little fact more than any of us are willing to admit.

When did we become this way? When I was younger I was much more open to succumbing to the flow state that allowed healing and wonder to occur at the same time because I knew that’s how magic was created. Then life happened and I got older, calluses developed over my once wild energy, and I became afraid of the unknown rather than running towards it. Monsters and demons came pouring out of the unknown at one point, I remember feeling surrounded and like death was ready to take me back to the source of my energy. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time though and that is what has me fucked up right now. Lately I have been picking up pace getting back to the flow state and then it just halted, like the brakes been abruptly hit while driving. What lesson is there to be learned from the brakes being pulled on you?

I suppose it could be saving me from something I am not ready for. It could be telling me to take a little extra time to rest (my alarm went off as I finished typing that… feels very confirmation from the Divine if you ask me). I may be getting the signal to stop and create something here in this time given to me. I am not all the way sure because this journey can be quite confusing for an overthinker; that’s the beauty in all the madness though, rewiring my brain to start working at maximum capacity instead of this 10% shit.

So cheers to the day, cheers to you if you’re going through some seasons too, and cheers to whatever is created during this time. I may be pretty unsure what I’m doing right now, but I am just going to keep doing and creating from the soul because that feels like the most productive avenue to take currently.