129A

I have been feeling uninspired…

and I fucking hate it.

The worst part is facing the truth that I have been uninspired for a long time. I began condoning my doom scrolling by labeling it as “gaining inspiration” when in reality I was avoiding thinking about and dealing with hard truths I was pretty adamant on not facing; eventually that caught up to me, I started facing said truths, and now when I scroll my socials I become abundantly annoyed with how uninspiring I find most of the content on my discover page to be.

I have tried switching up my algorithm, still the feeling persists. The problem lies in the fact that I am bored with what I see and desire something more even though I am currently unsure of what more looks like. I keep hoping I am going to stumble over it (as I have come across most of my inspiration), but I fear this time I am being charged with creating my own more and that frightens me. Even though my soul is charging to take the reigns and skyrocket there is this pestering, lingering voice that I have been fighting tooth and nail to eradicate that whispers- “That sounds absolutely ridiculous.” “Are you seriously going to do that?” “You know everyone will see that, right?”

Ughhhh… this voice! I hate it.

And I don’t say that lightly because I don’t like using the word hate. So as you could imagine, I am super annoyed by this. The lingering voice of the fear of failure and shame.

Don’t get me wrong, I have gone hand to hand with this voice and she is much quieter than she once was. So much so that I would have thought she was gone, but nope. Here she is. She gets under my skin in the most annoying ways; to the point that I am now venting about it on the internet. Which I don’t do!

But fuck it, who cares.

I couldn’t find anything else to take my mind off of it and I had to get it off my chest; writing about it felt like the only cathartic option as I actively try not to disassociate anymore. Maybe that’s the irony and beauty in it, my annoyance with feeling uninspired led to me writing a post about it. Something I have been trying to be consistent with.

Damn, a shattered glass moment just happened for me. What the fuck?! I wish this was a visual experience because I could feel my face move into something goofy, I’m sure, once the realization hit me!

I think I am just going to sit with this silly feeling for a bit because I am a bit flabbergasted and kind of, just, love this for me.