129A

I am equal parts, “How is it December 31st already?” and “Fucking finally!”

I feel like I have lived so many lives in this one year; it’s kind of hard to sit back and reflect on because it was just a lot. My perspective on relationships, of all kinds, and on myself has changed drastically due to the life lessons I stumbled into and navigated my way through.

For as much as I loathed the painful seasons and lonely nights, I am quite impressed with myself. I was hanging on by duct tape, miracles, and unshakable faith that even though my life looked (and felt) like it was on fire, that I was actually heading the right way.

I thought I was with someone I was going to spend my life loving and it turned out they hurt me more intimately than anyone ever could or has. It struck me all the way to my core and in turn revealed a mother wound I was not ready to face, but did so anyway. What I realized about myself in correlation to this mother wound and “relationship” was hard to swallow and made me feel unbearably insecure within myself for awhile there. I am still learning how to be gentle with myself as I learn how to love myself in all the ways I have wanted, through all the complexities of my own identity. I have never been one to give myself grace, but damn do I need and deserve it.

It is difficult to be patient with myself; I have spent years haunted by labels placed on me by the people closest to me because I assumed those labels as my identity. These labels drove my need to prove these people wrong, that I can work harder and more creatively than any of them could try, that the impossible does not exist for me. I wore these label induced beliefs like armor to the point that it helped feed my avoidance of the actual problems in these relationships.

I had to face it at some point I suppose; what better way than by having a green eyed beauty shatter my heart and making me question every ounce of confidence or belief I had in myself?! It is the most direct route to the ROOT of the problem.

I braved my first solo adventure into the mushroom forest to help me face some of those hard truths, but it mostly assisted me in closing out my inner child healing. That was a spectacular reward from Yahua for holding my boundaries to protect my peace, although no time was wasted as I was sent immediately into inner teenager healing… which is ongoing and yeah. It’s yeah.

I am also learning how to come back into myself and really listen. I have spent the majority of my life as a people pleaser and heavily neglected the cries of my own soul, but I deserve to be heard. Even if I am the only one listening. Learning how to lean into my intuition unapologetically AND vocalize it as a form of protection is new for me, it can be uncomfortable at times but it is worth it. I am unequivocally okay with being considered a bitch for reinforcing hard boundaries and choosing to disengage.

More than anything, I want to tell January Amanda that we ended up exactly where we wanted to in regard to how we feel about our self. It has been a long, painful, beautiful, memorable year. I have an obscene amount to be grateful for; a beautifully creative son who sparks joy into every space he enters, the friends who were able to continue the journey with me, a job that aligns with my goals and respects me, and a deeper understanding of myself accompanied by compassion. I think what I am most grateful for though is the sense of worth I acquired as I ventured through the storms of the passing seasons.

My energy, time, and love are precious gems that not everyone gets to enjoy. If any relationship is unequal or holding me up from my purpose, then it has to go and no questions will be asked. I have a clearer vision of my self than ever before and it is not up for negotiation, and that is okay. This has been one of the most trying lessons to learn, but I am so fucking proud of myself for finally getting it right.

My final thought on the whole year is that I absolutely fucking love how my hair represented various stages of my growth. Cutting off the bright blonde I had adorned myself with for the previous three years was major because I decided to just cut it all out and go down to just my regrowth, my natural hair. I had been dying my hair since I was 13 and hadn’t seen my natural color or texture in a long time.

It has been transformative as fuck going back to myself on a foundational level, especially with my hair.